So I came across a viral post from a woman who posted a private spreadsheet that was sent to her by her husband.
Here’s what happened. A husband, after noticing his wife was making excuses for not having sex, starting tracking daily what the results were and what she used as an excuse for each time he suggested sex. He sent the spreadsheet to her while she was on the way to the airport for a 10-day work trip. She reposted it to Reddit along with the message “My husband [M26] sent me [F26] an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact.”
This is all we know, but we can infer many things from this information. The fact that the man noticed that there was a problem enough to keep track says a lot. It means he was denied a LOT more than for that 6 week period. I don’t think there is any doubting this being a fact. I can surmise that from her reaction, posting it to a social media site and calling him names (eg immature) that she has a problem with him, beyond the sex issue.
Now, my biggest issue with this story is not the story itself, but more the typical reaction to the situation. Women immediately jump to her defense saying “if she doesn’t want to have sex she shouldn’t have to.” However there is an expectation that sex is a part of a relationship, and even moreso, marriage. In any other aspect of marriage, if he were to remove something that is expected (ie: his paycheck or talking with her) it would be grounds for divorce.
A man is expected to endure, accept, and remain quiet when dealing with the marital sex issue. We are told to be mature when it comes to sex, and not be “pouty” (the word used in the title of the article to describe him). Why is the woman not expected to be mature? Why can she not say “sex is not in the cards right now because (I am not attracted to you)?”
I have seen comments about this that range from “Suck it up dude”, to “deal with it yourself”, and my personal favourite “maybe he just didn’t woo her enough.” Imagine a circumstance in which a woman were to ask “will you change the oil in my car” and he were to respond “I’m just not in the mood, Convince me. Make me want to.” The outrage would be swift, piercing, and likely violent.
As I said at the beginning of this, we have only the information I relayed at the top of this post. There could, and likely is, other things in play here. However, the reaction of women based on this information alone, is telling.
Now, I know if anyone responds to this, they will likely have a version of this response: “So darkhomr, you advocate men being able to rape women anytime they want to?” The ad absurdum conclusion is a symptom of what the real problem is. The real problem is marriage is no longer about the couple, it is about what HE can do for her, and what SHE can do for him.
Instead of thinking about what YOU can do for them, about how YOU can make your LIVES better, YOU think about YOU. I mean this from the view of both genders. HE thinks about someone who can provide him meals, a clean house, sex, and other tasks. SHE thinks about him providing a home, freedom, and choice. However, neither think about what would make the other happy, thus making them happy.
If SHE had communicated with him, and HE had listened, perhaps Reddit would have had one less posting, and both of them would look less selfish.